We are home!

I am pleased to announce that after 102 days in the NICU, my precious boys are home!

They have been home for two weeks now and things are going well. We have managed to escape any major complications relating to their prematurity. They are breathing unassisted and are fully breastfed.

I am unsure whether I will continue with this blog now that I have my two little miracles and are no long waiting for them. It has been a long long journey, but they are definitely worth the wait.

Welcome to the world...

On Friday the 21st of October 2011 we welcomed to the world two precious little boys.

C
born at 4.41pm
weighing 744 grams

and

N
born at 4.54pm
weighing 842 grams

The boys were born at 24 weeks and 6 days after spending 11 days in hospital on strict bed rest desperately trying to stop preterm labour.

Both boys are stable in the NICU but they have a very long road ahead of them. I fear my IVF journey will feel like a walk in the park compared to what lies in store for us.

Over half way!

So much for being back! Sorry! Truth is I was going to write whole big post on my emotions and feelings upon discovering we were pregnant with twins, but now I'm not so sure I want to put that all out there. Let's just say, I have previously made my apprehension about having twins known on this blog, at it has taken me some time to accept that I am now having twins. But I am eternally grateful to be pregnant, and now feel myself privileged to be joining the exclusive twins club.

So anyway, here is your long awaited update, if anyone is still reading.

I am currently 21 weeks. I find that in itself very hard to believe! At times I didn't think I would ever become pregnant at all, let alone 21 weeks with twins.

We are 100% sure they are identical for many reasons. Firstly, we only transferred one embryo and it is not at all possible we conceived another at the same time because I didn't ovulate, DH has MFI, and we didn't, well, you know, 'get it on' at the appropriate times anyway.

We could also tell they were identical at the ultrasound, because they are in the same outer sack. Up until our 12 week scan we were told that they were monochorionic/monoamniotic twins, which means they share the same sack and the same placenta. These types of twins are extremely high risk as there are chances that their cords could become untangled, as well as twin-to-twin transfusion syndrome (TTTS). Our OB told us that 34 weeks would be the best case scenario we could hope for and I would most likely be on best rest for a considerable amount time.

It was incredibly stressful and distressing to hear this news, but thankfully we were misdiagnosed and we could see a dividing membrane at the 12 week scan which was such a relief. They still share the one placenta so they are still at risk of TTTS, but my OB will now let me go to 37 weeks.

I am now having fortnightly scans to check for any signs for TTTS, which is a condition where the blood flows through the umbilical cord the wrong way, and one twin gets all the nutrients and grows a lot bigger than the other twin. At my last scan last week, they were both measuring exactly the same so there are no concerns about this at the moment. As we are having so many scans, we have heaps of pictures and DVDs. I will post some later in a separate post.

Personally, I am feeling pretty good considering I am 21 weeks with twins. My belly is measuring about 6 weeks ahead which is spot on for twins, but it also means that I am huge! I really worry how big I am going to be in another 15 weeks or so and how my belly is ever going to recover. I have already told DH I'm going for a tummy tuck if I end up with 'Kate Gosselin' skin!

I am very lucky in that I have escaped morning sickness so far this pregnancy. In the first 12 weeks or so, I was constantly ravenous all day long. Nothing would fill me up. But that has settled down now and I'm eating like a normal person again. Thank goodness is all I can say about that, I was convinced that one twin was growing in my bum, the way it was growing! I also very tired in the first 12 weeks, but thankfully that has settled down too and I currently have no troubles sleeping all night.

I am now feeling movement all day long now, not definite kicks, but I can definitely feel them in there. Whenever I can feel them, I tell DH it's party time in my belly. He hasn't been able to feel them yet, but I don't think it will be too long away.

So I think that just about brings you to speed. So far I have had a pretty uneventful pregnancy, which is also a reason I haven't been blogging much as there is not much to write about. I will admit though, that I am always on edge, always waiting for something to go wrong. That bleeding at the start certainly hasn't helped and even now I still find myself checking all the time. I suppose that happens when you go through so much to become pregnant, you can't actually believe that you will end up with a take home baby. I am really hanging out for another 3 weeks when we hit viability, and then maybe I will start to relax a bit and enjoy this pregnancy about more.

I'm back!

It used to always drive me crazy when a former IF blogger would complain about their pregnancy. I couldn't believe that after everything they went through, they would now complain about things like feeling sick and tired, which I considered to be petty. I used to think that I would gladly accept all those terrible pregnancy symptoms for the whole 9 months if it guaranteed me I would have a baby at the of it. I wanted to scream, 'well at least you are pregnant! Be grateful for what you have'. Well actually I think I did. Through the computer that is.

Sooo, now I'm on the other side of the fence, things are different. Its true what they say about the grass over here.

Please do not get me wrong, I am very very grateful that I am pregnant, I am over the moon. But just because it was such a struggle to get here doesn't mean that its all sunshine and lolly pops. I hate to admit it, but I have been doing a lot of that thing that I promised myself I wouldn't do. Complain.

And this ladies, is why I haven't blogged in such a long time. I didn't want to subject my followers to this. I know how it feels to follow IF blogs, turned pregnancy blogs that make you just want to throw things at. I have at times stopped followed some blogs simply because I could not handle it any more.

But I have really been grappling with this lately. I miss my blog. I had always intended to blog throughout my pregnancy, if it happened. This is my blog, and I feel that I want to record my thoughts and feelings during this time, complaints and all.

So after much thought, I have decided to continue writing. I am back. But I warn you, there may be complaining in the future and I understand if you don't continue reading.

Thank you!

Thanks for all your prayers and well wishes.

It looks like they have worked...

...but maybe a bit too much...

The ultrasound on Tuesday at 6 weeks and 3 days showed a baby measuring 6 weeks and 2 days with a heartbeat of 119 beats per minute...

...and a baby measuring 6 weeks 4 days with a heartbeat of 123 beats per minute.

We are having twins!!

Oh my.

We are completely and utterly shocked, especially considering we only transferred one embryo. It must have split after transfer, so they will be identical. It's quite ironic considering we only transferred one to avoid twins!

Everything else is looking fine, my HCG is up to 78,250 and my progesterone is 37.


I will post pics soon, I'm still waiting for the sonographer to email them to me.

Prayers needed

My apologies for the lack of updates, but the last couple of weeks have been an emotional roller coaster. I know that term is so cliché, but it truly describes my emotions lately.

As I said in my last post, my HCG at 16 DPO was 470. A repeat beta at 23 DPO was 12,996!

I couldn't believe, it I was pregnant! Although we were in a state of disbelief, we were over the moon. My doctor even called me himself to congratulate me and said that he would see me in a couple of years for number two.

However, I fear that congratulations was a little premature. I started bleeding quite heavily on Tuesday and I had convinced myself that this is the beginning of the end. I have literally been in tears for the last couple of days expecting the worst. I have not felt so much grief in such a long time.

However a further beta today has seen my HCG go up to about 28,000. I am now so very confused because even though the numbers look good, I'm well aware that it doesn't necessarily mean that things will be OK. My emotions go from one extreme to the other.

I'm having an early scan on Tuesday. I will only be 6 weeks and 3 days so I know that it might be too early to see a heartbeat, if there is one. But we should be able to see whether the measurements are on track and maybe determine the source of the bleeding. It has now stopped, but it won't stop me from worrying about it for the next five days.

Please keep us in your prayers.

Positively positive

HCG @ 16 DPO is 470!!

I can't quite believe it yet, it all feels a bit surreal at the moment.

Nearly there

So I’m well over half way through the 2WW and there’s not much to report really. I am feeling fine physically, there’s no real indication of whether things are working or not. Sometimes I get some pain or weird feeling and wonder if its anything, but then I talk myself out of it and blame it on the progesterone pessaries.

Speaking of the pessaries, this is my first time taking them and they are going well. I much much prefer them to the crinone, and personally I think they are a lot less messy than the crinone. I must admit I like having an excuse to lay down for half an hour each morning and night. However I usually end up falling asleep on the couch at night much to my husband’s disgust as I usually talk him to rewinding whatever we are watching and he then has to watch it twice.

Emotionally, I go from one extreme to the other. Sometimes I am positive that it will be positive, other times I try to talk myself out of it. We have our wonderful holiday to look forward to if it doesn’t work, and we have been keeping ourselves very busy organising that this week which has taken our mind off things. I have sometimes even found myself thinking that it would be OK if it didn't work because it would make our holiday much easier.

However, I know that’s all lies to try to make a BFN easier on myself. We all know the truth, don’t we?

I will admit that DH is being very very cute lately. I needed a full bladder for ultrasound at transfer so I was busting when we got home, but he didn’t want me to go to the toilet in case I pee'd the blastocyst out!! Oh he is too funny!! He has also taken to lifting up my top and singing some made up song to my belly. It goes something along the lines of ‘Hello in there. Is there anyone in there? If there is, I really hope you stick around for 9 months. I hope you are nice in warm in there after being in the cold freezer for so long’. Or something like that. Yeah, I don’t think its going to be a top 10 hit, it doesn't even rhyme!

As we transferred a day 5 blast, I am about the equivalent of 13DPO which means that technically I could POAS now. However I want to leave it as late as possible so that I can live in ‘happy land’ in the belief that it has worked for as long as possible. I know that if I test now and it is negative, I will just get all upset but then I will convince myself that it is simply too early to tell and then I won’t be any better off anyway. Plus, I don’t want to ruin my weekend wondering if the test is correct or not. I will POAS the night before my beta so that we are the first ones to know the result, rather than our IVF nurse knowing before us.

There is really not long to now at all. Not long at all…

Two week wait

Everything went just perfectly on Thursday!

We were booked in for our transfer at 11.15am which I thought was perfect as it gave me time for a sleep in and time to attend to those personal grooming issues. There was no chance I was going to be caught out again like last time!

They were going to thaw our embryo that morning. We had ticked the box on the consent form that instructs them to thaw all available embryos until they have one for transfer. This has been in the back of my mind for months now, what if they don't thaw properly? What if they all don't thaw and we end up with nothing to transfer?  The nurse said that they would call us in the morning if there was any problem, so we were told just come in to the clinic at 11.15am if we hadn't received a phone call.

Here's a tip everyone: DO NOT set your phone alarm as the same tone as your incoming call tone. It is not a good way to start the morning of your transfer. Trust me on that one.

DH went to work in the morning, but came home to pick me up. Before we knew it, it was time to leave and still no phone call. However, I knew I wasn't out of the woods yet as I have heard of people being called while they are on their way in. I have been pretty calm during this cycle, but that morning I was a bundle of nerves.

We arrived promptly at 11.15am and was told to take a seat in the waiting room. Actually, its more a case of, we walked in and the receptionist instantly said, 'Oh hi Kim, take a seat'. Oh dear, the IVF clinic waiting room is not really the place that I want to be well known. I think I have been here a few too many times.

It wasn't long after we arrived that we were called through and the embryologist gave us the great news that our first embryo had thawed nicely and was doing all it was supposed to do. I was relieved! That means we still have three embryos in the freezer for next time. Let's hope that next time is a few years away.

My doctor then walked in, sporting a lovely white pair of hospital overalls. DH and I say, overalls are OK, you should just start to get worried if they come in wearing gumboots. This is my doctor who was overseas last week, the head honcho of our clinic. He is a bit of a character.

This is the first time he has done a transfer for me, or even seen my hoo ha for that matter. I have always had someone else do EPU or transfer. I mentioned to him before we went in that I may have had slight bleeding that morning, but it was ever so slight. I'm sure a normal person wouldn't have noticed it, but you know what its like while doing IVF, everything is scrutinised.

He said that it shouldn't be a problem, but he will 'have a good look around in there before doing the transfer'. Oh great, I thought as I laughed nervously and imagined him donning a miners hat with one of those lights on the top. Well, he was dressed for the ocassion.

Soon enough I was exposed in all my glory and the transfer was under way. He said he couldn't see any blood and said my lining look nice and fluffy. He was talking the whole way through about my work, where he lived and all sorts of useless information. I got to see the transfer on the ultrasound screen, and once the embryologist said the catheter was all clear, I was good to go. He said the transfer itself went perfectly, no problems at all.

So here I am, in the two week wait once again. It might seem absurd that this is only our second official 2WW even though we have been TTC for over 2 years. This is the main reason why we only transferred one embryo. I know that many people transfer more than one, certainly in the US, but our clinic's policy is to only transfer one unless you have repeated failed cycles or you are older. I'm happy to do this, in fact I would prefer it. I do not want twins. I know a lot people do, and that's fine, its just not for me. Maybe if I am still not pregnant in a few years from now, I will consider transferring two, but for now, one is enough for me.

So now the waiting begins.

FET #1 (take two) is a go!

Some good news, finally! We have been given the go ahead for transfer on Thursday.

I’m so glad to have made it this far, although it was a bit of touch and go there for a moment. I experienced my very first migraine last week. I didn’t think much of it at the time and didn’t actually realise it was a migraine until I googled it. So I was quite concerned when I read a few days later that you should stop taking Progynova immediately and call your doctor if you experience your very first migraine while taking it.

After getting in contact with my doctor (who I later discovered was overseas, oh the joy of modern technology!), the nurse told me to have a lining scan to check my lining. If it isn’t over the magic 6mm number like last time, I will have to stop taking Progynova immediately as they don’t want me to be taking it unnecessarily. In other words, they may have to cancel my cycle. Again.

My first thought upon hearing this was I was convinced that it would be cancelled which obviously upset me greatly. To make things worse, a cancelled cycle now would mean that due to our holiday and the timing of cycles, we wouldn’t be able to try again until November.

A very close second thought was, ‘Oh crap, I haven’t shaved my legs!’ I was informed of the scan at about midday. My appointment was for 4pm and I couldn’t leave work any earlier to attend to some 'personal grooming'. All well, I would just have to go the scan ‘au naturale', I’m sure she’s seen worse before. Or maybe she hasn’t, it is winter here after all and I can’t remember the last time I shaved my legs.

OK, getting off track here!

I was bracing myself for bad news, so I was pleasantly surprised when my lining was 6.8mm – a whole two days before my scheduled scan. Woo hoo!!

The nurse called the next day to inform me that transfer would be next Thursday and to start the pessaries tomorrow.

Easier said than done. Someone forgot to mention to me that the pharmacy has to ‘make’ the pessaries. And they take a few days to make. And there is only one pharmacy in town that makes them. And the pharmacist only works Monday to Friday.

I was nearly in tears on Friday night and I was told they would be ready to pick up on Wednesday!! Yes, yes I know I should have gotten them earlier but didn’t due my experience with our last cancelled cycle, and at $50 a box, I didn’t want to get them unnecessarily. And as I said, no one told me it would take a few days!

So we tried to explain to the pharmacist why:

(a) I needed these – I’m doing a FET

(b) they were so urgent – the FET is booked in for Thursday and I HAVE to start taking them tomorrow morning

(c) I was only told of this today – well actually 5.30pm to be precise

(d) Regardless of the fact that my script was dated March, I honestly was only told to start taking them today – My doctor wrote my scrip in March for my last FET, but that cycle was cancelled because my lining wasn’t thick enough and then I had to wait another 6 weeks before starting this cycle.

You would think a pharmacist would have a little more tact and respect for ones privacy, but he didn’t come out from behind his little booth and the whole conversation outlined above was held across the entire pharmacy. But we were talking in ‘code’ to avoid telling all and sundry that we were doing IVF. Unfortunately ‘everyone’ included the pharmacist himself as he clearly wasn’t getting it. After a few anxious moments, DH eventually said, ‘look I don’t want to go into the details here, but we need to start these pessaries tomorrow morning for a procedure that is booked in for next Thursday’. Eventually he agreed to make ‘2 or 3’ for us, albeit reluctantly.

After grabbing some dinner, we went back and he had managed to make 7! I was so so relieved. I think he developed some tact while we were away and it suddenly clicked why we were so anxious about getting these tonight. Either that or he googled it. He even wished us luck and went as far as to say ‘they don’t give you much notice with these things.’ Yeah, I already told you that.

Which leaves us wondering, why does it take 3 days to make 14 pessaries, but he can make 7 in an hour? Hmmm, I think someone was originally being difficult just for the sake of it.